The Feeling. Whether it's stupidity or nothing, it's still there.

I get this feeling sometimes.

It comes and goes, like high and low tide. Only worse.

So much worse.

The Feeling makes me feel like my heart is breaking into pieces or my chest is caving in, even though I have people who love me, and I haven't had asthma since I was a baby.

I'm not sure if it's the depression or the anxiety or some sick combination of the two, but whatever it is, it feels awful.

It's been taking me over for a while now. Apologies for the minimal posting.

When it takes over, I feel like I'm falling apart. Literally. My insides shatter and fall down deep into my torso, where they hiss and disintegrate on sizzling coals. I can barely function. The words people speak to me become meaningless static, my heart only beats to the bass of the music I can barely force myself to hear. The tears build as I fight the horrible urge to claw myself apart with my nails, struggle to keep myself from the things that are so easily accessible. It gets hard.

I'm on a great deal of medication now, and attend multiple therapy groups. I know skills to calm the anxiety writhing within me and lull it to sleep. The medication is meant to slow my depression into a comatose state, where it can't do much harm.

And yet? It's still there.

Still there, waiting to wake up and start squirming again in all it's twisted horrendous glory.

Sometimes it's next to nothing. Sometimes it's everything. It's always something.

But when I think about it, there's a brighter side to it. I'm not suicidal anymore. I don't need the hospital. I can still function. I still breathe. I'm another week clean from ripping myself apart. Little things.

Yeah, they count. Think about it. Without those nanoparticles in the air, you couldn't breathe or even exist. It's because they constitute your entire being.

I said I would be simple. They never said that simple would be easy.

For now, I still have no courage for myself. It's mainly why I'm still alive, because I couldn't bring myself to do anything. And in a way, that's good.

I'm recovering. Not there yet, but I'm on my way.

I just wonder sometimes if there's something I can do. Something to help save the people I love.

I fear for one person's life. I fear for another's safety. I cry for another's dog, who has passed this morning, because she cannot bring herself to cry yet.

I do my best to feel their pain, understand what they are going through. It's my way of being there for them.

My horoscope has nothing to do with this, I know, but hear me out. They say Scorpio feels the most out of the entire zodiac. That being said, we are in no way superior to anyone. (Some of us like to act like it, but underneath we're all puppies and we love who we love and really hate our enemies.) But being a Scorpio is a part of who I am, and I address it as such. The descriptions often fit well.

I'm there for them. I'm there for you, whoever you may be. And you, who is reading this: If you're feeling crappy, please, keep in mind:

You're important. To me and to others, you are important. You matter.

It doesn't matter who you choose to be. What matters is what you choose to make yourself.

"Don't travel alone, Doctor."
-, River Song

Don't lose yourself, don't be alone when you know you can't.


Thanks.

I mean it.

And So It Begins.

Hi.

You probably don't know me that well yet, or maybe you do. Either way, I won't judge. Anyway, hi.

I have a name, an age, and a purpose, but here, I am simple. My name is Firefly, no one needs to know my age, and I'm looking for a purpose, but I haven't found it yet.

Now, for this post's subject:

Fulfillment.

Everyone is always looking for something. It doesn't have to be anything big, unless it's one of those cases in which it DOES have to be something big. But it most often is SOMETHING: A feeling, or a person, or a place, or a thing, or other insert noun word here.

We're all looking. Sometimes we focus so hard on just plain LOOKING that we forget to acknowledge what we can already find right in front of us.

When people feel like they're about to cave in, they'll look for a person that holds them up, or a place where they can stop the chaos in the mind and be still, or even a thing, that they can hold onto, the tiny stone that stops the avalanche.

We're all looking for something, so pay attention. Sometimes, their answer will be you, and you'll need to either learn how to be there, or just continue being the best you can.

Just don't lose yourself in that search.